Back on the Bike

No more cancer means I can go ride my bike again. I used to ride my road bike upwards of 60+ miles a week (not a lot in road biking terms, but for me, 8~15 miles per day was a good averate), so when I stopped riding, there was a significant hole in my life.  I’m really not a good runner (I can only run on a treadmill), and the gym gets tedious after awhile. So, cycling was my ‘escape’ I suppose. Also, Oregon is gorgeous, and I loved being able to ride on rolling hills through farmland and forests.

I went to sleep last night around 8 pm, and woke up at 2 or so. Not my idea of a good rest, but it did allow me to go cycling at 5:30 this morning as the sun was peeking over the Cascades.  I had been talking to my brother on Skype until about 3:30, when I tried to go to sleep again.  I think I did for awhile, actually.  I have a queen sized bed, and I share it with 3 kitties… so I get a corner of the bed while they stretch out and get comfortable.  Sleeping with them is sometimes a chore, but they’re cute and it’s hard to say no to them.  Around 5:15, I shimmied out of bed with the crazy idea that I’d go cycling before I had to be in the lab around 8:15, so I got my old cycling clothes on, found some socks, and pulled my bike out of the garage.  Man did I have a good time.  I forgot what it was like to have the wind whistle past your ears, stinging your cheeks.  I also forgot to wear my ear covers, which was bad. It was really cold!  When it’s too cold and I cycle, my inner ears really hurt, and it makes the rest of the ride very uncomfortable. (Maybe it was a mixture of the cold and uncomfortable earbuds… who knows?).  My point is that I had an awesome time.

I’m so glad I decided to go out this morning, even if I only rode 3 miles or so.  Hey, I have to take it slow!  I can’t just jump on my bike and ride 20 miles in the first go-around. I don’t even have any muscles right now (well, if I do, they’re very small).  It’s going to take weeks/months to get me back to where I was before I got sick.  Stupid Cancer, ruining everything for me. *grumbles*

Iranian Protest

The more I read about the Iranian Election and look at protest pictures, the more nervous I get.  After I looked at the latest slew of pictures posted by @phirm (on Twitter), I could feel my heart breaking. Americans take voting and democracy for granted everyday, to the point of not participating because whomever is running for office doesn’t mesh with their personal views 100%.

I really want to help the Iranians, in any way I can.  Here are some actions you can take, if you blog or have a Twitter account. (List has been compiled from various tweets and this site).

• Hashtags, the only two legitimate hashtags being used by bloggers in Iran are #iranelection and #gr88, other hashtag ideas run the risk of diluting the conversation.
• Keep you bull$hit filter up! Security forces are now setting up twitter accounts to spread disinformation by posing as Iranian protesters. Please don’t retweet impetuosly, try to confirm information with reliable sources before retweeting. The legitimate sources are not hard to find and follow.
• Help cover the bloggers: change your twitter settings so that your location is TEHRAN and your time zone is GMT +3.30. Security forces are hunting for bloggers using location and timezone searches. If we all become ‘Iranians’ it becomes much harder to find them.
• Don’t blow their cover! If you discover a genuine source, please don’t publicise their name or location on a website. These bloggers are in REAL danger. Spread the word discretely through your own networks but don’t signpost them to the security forces. People are dying there, for real, please keep that in mind…

I asked Mike Phirman (@phirm) how to change my Twitter settings, and he replied: “@irishswtpea  Yeah, you can change it in the “Settings” menu, under “Account” (Tehran is pretty far down the list.)  Crazy stuff, right?“  Seriously crazy.  Oregonstateuniv (our official OSU Twitter account) posted: “Some really moving photos from an Oregon State alum in Tehran: http://bit.ly/mzHIo via the Oregonian #IranElection“.

If you use Twitter, please RT: RT @irishswtpea Iranian protestor pictures: http://bit.ly/1k9Zd  Share with your friends! Spread the word. #iranelection

Hopefully this can help garner support for those in trouble in Iran. I know we can’t go over and manhandle them like we would secretly like to, but prayer always helps.

Guys, shut your ears!

This is a girl-problem oriented post, so guys, unless you want to read about womanly troubles, go to another page!

Ok, with that out of the way, I haven’t had my period in over a year. Chemotherapy cured me of the need, along with other normally-functioning processes. (end sarcasm.) I think tonight I started my period again, after I had lost hope of it ever coming back. I am desperate to have children – being Catholic and family-centered – so what was I supposed to think when I stopped menstruating all together?  I was absolutely heart broken.  My parents adopted me as an infant, and that has driven my need to have my own children; maybe because my mother could not. But tonight… I wasn’t totally sure, and I’m still not sure, but it’s looking good.

In a few months, between summer research and school in the fall, I was going to make an appointment to see if I was sterile. I don’t know what that would involve (probably an outpatient procedure with a scope), and I’m not at a time in my life where I could have kids, but being 25 and without hope is such a desolate place for one to be.

Close friends promised to pray for healing, for the ability for me to carry a child, and even though I know the idea of prayer is uncomfortable for some, it was a comfort to me knowing they cared.  I don’t know if my prayers, and the prayers of others, have been answered; it’s a long way off.  I could just be spotting (it is REALLY light), but the feeling is… familliar. I had almost forgotten what it was like to have cramps, to bleed, to feel six degrees of gross, but the feeling now is welcomed (believe it or not!).  So many friends said that I was lucky to be menopausal at my age; not having to deal with all the stresses, the fear of ‘accidental’ pregnancy (if I were having sex, then sure, but it does not apply).  I hated feeling broken, like a part of my womanhood had been snatched by the Chemo.  I already felt disgusting from the effects of the Cancer, and to top it off, I had this to worry about in the back of my mind.  “Oh, it’ll come back,” the oncs had said.  They were male – they didn’t understand the carnal need to reproduce, to carry their own children.

If it really is what I think it is, then this is a very exciting evening indeed. Tonight, I rejoin the female sex.

Bliss, finally.

Finals are ‘finally’ over. It seems dumb that I was so stressed out about everything, considering I only had 2 1/2 classes this quarter. Paleontology and Hydrogeology are difficult topics (well, they involve labs, which are difficult… and amount to busy work). I’m still not done with some work for my Hydro class, even though I took the final today. It’s just been a very long quarter. I got a B+ in my Paleontology class! I didn’t expect that at all (considering I got a D on my midterm – ouch).

I’ve gained most of my weight back from before I was on Chemo. It took about 9 months in total, and believe me, I’m pretty pissed about it. My doctor seems nonplussed, except for the fact that I was overweight before chemo, but he said, “You were bound to gain it back. Just lose it again.” Pfft, easy for him to say. The more I gain, the more depressed I get about it, and hence the vicious cycle. I’m really jealous of my roommate: he can eat pretty much anything and he doesn’t really gain much. If I eat what he does, I’ll gain 10 lbs in a week. It’s not awesome.  For better or for worse I may have to start chemo again anyways, so I could possibly lose it all… again.  I’m pretty sick and tired of being sick.  I’ve been trying to take it easy, since I get a bee in my bonnet to go out and tackle the world (like, ride my bike or something), and I end up hurting myself, or forgetting that I have no stamina. I tried jogging with a friend a few weeks ago, and I could barely make it 3 blocks before choking on my own lungs.

On Saturday, I’m going down to the Carmelite Monastary in Eugene for an OCDS meeting. I’m SO excited!  OCDS isn’t for people with OCD (even though I think most of us have a touch of neuroticism here and there), but stands for: Secular Order of Discalced Carmelites (in English… the real name is in spanish, I believe). I’m discerning to join the Third Order Secular, and Saturday is the beginning of my Aspirancy. This period will last six months to a full year, and from there, I become a Postulant. This period of “First Promise” lasts about two years, which involves learning all the history of the Carmelites, becoming more engrossed in my studies, etc.  The Promise is a commitment “to tend towards evangelical perfection in the spirit of the evangelical counsels of chastity, poverty, obedience and of the Beatitudes, according to the Rule of the Secular Order of Discalced Carmelites, for three years.” After three years, an individual may request permission to make the Final Promise (substituting “for all my life” in place of “for three years”). The period of formation after the First Promise lasts three years before the Final Promise.  So, I’m starting a journey which could very well last, at minimum, six years. I wouldn’t make my Final Promise until I’m 31. Wow.

This is a pretty big friggin decision in my life. OCDS is pretty hardcore – daily mass, liturgy of the hours, mission, devotion to Mary, wearing of the Scapular (which I already do, all the time), monthly meetings, and of course, at least 30 minutes of daily prayer/meditation. Whew. That’s why they have the year of Aspirancy, to make sure we know what we’re getting ourselves into. Once I make my vow, it’s a sin to break, and that’s pretty serious.

So, that’s what I’ve been up to. My own classes and teaching consumed my life for awhile, and when I wasn’t doing either at OSU, I was sleeping at home. I’m still so very, very tired. Today, I went to sleep around 5, and woke up at 7ish. It was a nice nap. And now I’m going to try to sleep, again. Nite nite.

Operation: Livestrong a total success

I forgot to post on how my day of filming went. It was pretty awesome.  I was tired – I had maybe 2 hours of sleep the night before – but in good spirits. The film crew, which consisted of the cameraman, Wilson, the director/sound guy, Mat, and the two Livestrong representatives, Laura and Devon.  Laura and Devon were super fun to hang out with while interviews were being conducted with my friends.  The three of us stood off to the side and gossiped, and I gave them a swift tour of the “Betty Crocker classroom” at OSU.  It’s a classroom with a kitchen on a stage, complete with 1950’s accouterments.

People both in my physics class and at Post-Fragua were not thrilled that a camera crew was tagging along with me.  They asked, “Gah, Kristin, why didn’t you tell us so we could look nice?”  And I responded, “Well, we’re supposed to look like normal. Now, it wouldn’t be normal if the guys all wore ties and collared shirts, now would it?”  Livestrong, last week, sent a box with gifts for the Newman Center people, so I’m going to give those out at PF next time I go.  They filmed me walking a lot.  I remember them asking me to walk past the camera, ignoring them, and then stopping right afterwards.  Then, they’d film me walking to a certain point, where I’d stop, they’d walk past me, and the process would start all over again.  I had to have pretend conversations with my friends, unmiced, and then miced, staged conversations about how cancer feels, or how my friends and family helped.

The most awkward part of the entire situation was the hour-long interview with me sitting in Sue’s office at the Newman Center.  They asked me all sorts of questions, like, “What were you diagnosed with?” “How did chemo affect your schoolwork?” “What suggestions do you have for newly diagnosed college students?”  To be honest, those probably weren’t even the questions they asked.  Well, damn, I don’t know.  Now that I think about it, I answered some of those questions in ways I wouldn’t have answered now that I’ve had time to think about it.  They want pictures from treatment, when I had no hair and looked like crap, but I have very few pictures from that time, simply because I didn’t think I looked very pretty.

I’m glad the entire situation is over with, but I enjoyed the time I had with Mat, Wilson, Devon, and Laura.  I sort of wish I got a second day with all of them!  I did take a few short movies with my video camera while I was at McMenamins, and if I get them uploaded, I’ll post the links eventually.

Livestrong Documentary: Livestrong at School

Well, T-1 day until the documentary filming.  For those of you who don’t know, I was asked to participate in a documentary for the Livestrong Foundation (Lance Armstrong’s foundation for Cancer Research, Support, and Awareness).  Well, I’ve been on and off about participating for a few weeks.  At first, when they said they wanted a “day in the life” of someone with cancer, I thought, “Hell no.”  A part of me still thinks that, tbh, but I’m warming to the idea of helping out.  I can’t really say no, now can I? Not when they’re HERE and will be filming me tomorrow.

I guess I’m supposed to talk about the stigma a college student receives when she has cancer.  Well, in a nutshell, I felt very isolated.  My friends stopped coming by, stopped calling.  Some got angry at me because I wasn’t well enough to go out and have fun with them.  I lost one best friend because he wasn’t willing to understand that I couldn’t go out and see him while he was visiting.  He gave up on me.  So, for me, cancer showed me who my true friends were, and what mortality really feels like.  I wrote letters to my family and closest friends, saying goodbye in case I died.  When I knew I didn’t need those letters anymore, I threw them out and opted to look towards the future.  No, I’m not a driven student – I’m still as lazy as can be when it comes to doing work – but I do know what’s important in life.  My faith is important to me; never have I experienced something so scary, but so beautiful at the same time.  No, cancer isn’t beautiful, but it’s cleansing, like a phoenix being reborn.  You remake your life by keeping the things that mean a lot to you, and purging the activity and friends that you no longer have any need for.

So, my day starts tomorrow at 8 am, when the film crew from Alpheus Media will be coming by to film me driving to OSU, and getting coffee. I’ll be going to classes, and then mass at noon.  They’ll film me talking to Fr. Lucas and Sue, and hanging out with my friends at 5 pm at McMenamins (woo!).  They’ll film Post Fragua, and my talk about the Apostolate.  Then that’s it   It’s less painful than I thought it would be.

I’ve got to run to class, or I’ll be late. If anyone has any comments about Alpheus Media’s documentaries, please leave some below.  If you get a chance, you should watch a few. Fr. Lucas fell in love with them, and after I watched one, I can see why. Ok! Have a good afternoon. *waves*

Letter circulated to Catholic Bishops

I was perusing an excellent Catholic blog (which you can find here), and came across a comment at the bottom of one of the articles.  Pedro posted this open letter to our Catholic Bishops, and I thought it had enough points of interest to repost. While I agree with a few points in this letter, I personally wouldn’t write a letter to the Bishops in this way. Please feel free to comment with your thoughts.

What a troubling moment in the history of our beloved Catholic Church in America…..

I am forced to give the US Bishops a failing grade in their ministry, as evidenced again by the large numbers of Hispanics (70% or so!!!) and other ‘catholics’ (54% or so) who have once again voted-in the party of death – obviously ignoring their catholic leaders like yourself who tried to better form their consciences for their important election day choices these past months. They’ve just laughed at you and the Teaching Authority of the Church, and gone ahead with their own agenda as has been the case since Vatican II, beginning with their disagreement with the Church on birth control. This disobedience and the stubborn defiance of a good many people still in the pews on Sundays is tearing down our faith brick by brick, and has become a cancer in the Body of Christ within the western world.

And this is the deeper problem as I see it: you have all, for many, many years, been trying to minister to faithful catholics and, since Vatican II, a growing number of ‘new protestants’ who are also still sitting in the pews on Sundays (though they are probably more likely not to attend Every Sunday).

I believe it has been, and will continue to be impossible for you to effectively minister to two such disparate groups under one roof, as has been attempted for far too many decades to our misfortune. It greatly weakens your effectiveness with the remnant of faithful Catholics who see you making too many compromises because you are being tugged from two entirely different directions on so many of the issues at the center of our fiercely contested culture war. You have obviously had to compromise principles to effect the current state of affairs, and that continues to happen, in the eyes of the true Catholic faithful that I know, to the discredit of you – our leaders – still trying to appease the non-believers who have decided, this time, not to walk away from the church, but instead to change it from within by constantly chipping away at our traditional beliefs and make them correspond more closely with their own silly, personal, notions on issues like abortion and a right to life for the unborn, homosexuality, birth control, pornography, promiscuity, and all sorts of other vulgarities.

Please, won’t you and the other Bishops use this lesson to effect a long awaited house cleaning!! There really aren’t a shortage of priests – as there are plenty of them available to minister to the small number of Actual Catholic faithful who have not yet marched off to another drummer. It seems clear to me that the only problem is acknowledging that, for whatever reason, God is not willing to provide additional priests to minister to all the Protestants still in our pews – as well as the SHRINKING number faithful Catholics.

I know they are there next to me; you can see their Obama bumpers stickers; you as a Bishop receive their letters asking you and your faithful priests to quit being so political in the pulpit with talk about a right to life or the evils of homosexuality and sexual promiscuity. They are not interested in your view; to them it’s just a Democracy and they will keep working for a change in Church leadership – just like they work to elect our new radically pro-death president.

PLEASE HELP THOSE OF US IN THE PEWS WHO ARE BECOMING DISTRAUGHT BY THE ATTACKS ON THE FAITH COMING AS MUCH FROM WITHIN BY THESE ‘STEALTH PROTESTANTS’, AS FROM THE MILITANT UNBELIEVERS OUTSIDE THE CHURCH!!!! THE TIME FOR WORDS IS LONG OVER; PLEASE ACT NOW TO RESTORE THE FAITH.

Lead us back to TRUTH and away from the cafeteria catholic mentality that puts self and economics or other perceived ‘goods’ above church teaching;
Lead us back to unity;
Lead us away from the secularism that has so
pervaded and perverted the faith;
Lead us away from the scandal and sacrilege of
dissident believers at the communion rail;
Lead by LEADING, rather than following after sheep who choose to be lost – YOU DON’T GO OUT TO FIND THE PRODIGAL SON – HE RETURNS BECAUSE HE REMEMBERS THERE’S SOMETHING MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN HE CAN CREATE, WAITING FOR HIM BACK HERE;
Lead us away from this watered-down/milk-toast
Catholicism!!!

No Communion for Public Sinners

You can read the original article here, at EWTN.com.

Finally, a bishop who actually upholds canon law!  This article elicited a small squeel of joy from my lips as I read the headline (I sound like a mouse… you can ask any of my friends).  Too long the bishops of our country have stood idily by, letting our politicans get away with grave sins, and allowing them to receive communion.  It’s almost a sin in itself for the priests who let public sinners receive the Eucharist, because wouldn’t the mortal sin be transferred onto the priest for allowing the mortal sin of the person who took the Eucharist without confession to occur?  *sigh*  I don’t know enough Catholic Apologetics to actually answer that question, but it’s a good one.

Why won’t other bishops take up the cause and do that as well?  Do they feel embarassed?  I would love to see the day when Nancy Pelosi is denied communion.  Actually, I’d smile a little if she were excommunicated.  By far, out of all the publicly Democrat/Liberal Catholics in politics, she is the worst of them.  Despite claiming that she is a “devout” Catholic, she didn’t even know the Church’s stance on when life begins (umm, conception anyone?).  I even knew that when I was a child.  How utterly ridiculous.  I don’t even want to count the number of times she’s tried to foist some pro-choice nonsense through the legislative branch.

I am glad that Pope Benedict XVI (then Cardinal Ratzinger) was quoted thusly:

Regarding the grave sin of abortion or euthanasia, when a person’s formal cooperation becomes manifest (understood, in the case of a Catholic politician, as his consistently campaigning and voting for permissive abortion and euthanasia laws), his Pastor should meet with him, instructing him about the Church’s teaching, informing him that he is not to present himself for Holy Communion until he brings to an end the objective situation of sin, and warning him that he will otherwise be denied the Eucharist.

Woohoo!  Excellent.  Now, if only our Archbishop Vlazny would deny communion to the Governor of Oregon… Ted Kulongoski is another argument for another day.  He’s just pure evil.  If he would stop saying he were Catholic, then I’d be fine with it. I do NOT want my faith to be associated with people who support death as blatantly as he does.

Why I’m Not Watching the Academy Awards (again)

This’ll be a quick post since I’m writing from my Blackberry Curve 8330, and although I have tiny hands, they aren’t so small that this can be comfortable for long. I still have no idea how my dad, at 6′4″, could power-use a Blackberry for years at work. Bleh. My thumbs hurt a bit after typing so much.

Right, the Academy Awards (Oscars since the buttons are tiny). Award shows of any sort fell out of favor with myself a few years ago. I just stopped caring, because the people who put on the shows seemed to think they were the most important thing on television. I have HBO and Showtime, and all the best shows are on Sunday nights, so why should I divert from my normal schedule when I can just look up the speeches the next day on YouTube, or look on Google for the winners? Seriously, who wants to waste 5 hours of their life watching self-important actors and directors wank on about how awesome their indy movie that no-one’s ever heard of was? I sure as hell don’t. The Oscars are long over (I think) at the time I’m writing this (I think its about 11:45 pm, and I can’t be bothered to get out of bed). Apparently the Academy got it wrong again and think a (pardon my language) shitty indy film from India deserves 8 Oscars when The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and The Dark Knight were in contention for the best picture award as well. This is percisely why no one watched last year (not to mention that Jon Stewart is over-used and over-rated). I’ve never heard of that indian movie! Wjy doesn’t the Academy start picking pictures that the general public has actually seen and enjoyed instead of a film that hasn’t even grossed 100 million dollars? Lame.

I watched Flight of the Conchords, Season 2, and Newhart, instead of watching the Oscars. To be honest, Sean and I had no idea the Oscars were even on tv until it was halfway over. Neither of us cared. Flight of the Conchords, on HBO, is a show I can whole-heartedly recommend. It’s NOT a waste of 30 minutes because it’s funny, creative, and you’re guaranteed a laugh or two. Bret and Jermaine’s music is both genius and comedic, and the structure of the show is endearing. This latest episode, Kristen Wiig from SNL co-starred as a woman who had lost her epileptic dog, and had won the hearts of both Bret and Jermaine. They vied for her attention, even switching clothes to seem more like the other in case she liked the other’s style, and eventually wrote a song for epileptic dogs and held a charity event. Of course, the comedic genius is their ‘remix’ of the song had a strobe light and phat beats, which led to all the epileptic dogs in the audience to have seizures (and some died, I believe). You should watch the show if you have HBO!

I think I’ve gotten to the point where my hands are tired of typing on a tiny keyboard, and I should go back to bed. To recap: don’t waste your time with award shows, since there is ALWAYS better tv on a higher channel. Goodnight

Bleh…stupid homework.

So, I’ve had a week to get my math homework completed, and like a normal student, I kind of left it to the last minute.  Unfortunately, it has elements I have no idea how to do.  I think like a physicist; usually I have to have a concrete problem I can think of and work on, while not worrying about minute details like proofs.  This homework is so abstract that it’s difficult to wrap my mind around.  I know how to do linear algebra, but the idea of breaking up small matrices into even smaller ones to do simple matrix multiplication astounds me.  WHY on earth would you want to do that?  This book not only presents the information in a mostly abstract way, but it definitely caters to math majors, and not to engineers/physicists.

Maybe I could just rebel and not do it?  I may just drop it in her box late, but complete.  I’d probably get a higher grade if I turned it in before 5 pm with all the problems done rather than on time with half the problems completed.  Grrr I hate math majors.  *smacks forehead with palm*

So yeah, it’s 6 am. I’ve not slept yet, but I did have a few hours nap after dinner tonight.  Sean played video games while I slept with my feet in his lap.  I didn’t feel well all day today – chemo/radiation is definitely catching up with me, not to mention the cold I’m starting to get.  At least I got my grocery shopping done, or we really wouldn’t have had any food at all.  The fridge was empty save for some condiments (LOTS of condiments…), old salad fixings, and a half-gallon of skim milk.  I’ve been eating cereal for the past few days, with a Jamba Juice and KFC thrown in there. (mmm KFC… I hadn’t had that in forever, and it was so tasty).  I’m starting to gain my weight back after I finished chemo a few months ago.  I wonder if my current chemo is going to stop my appetite again.  I know I want to start working out (maybe using my Wii Fit, or fencing).  I’ve been trying to coerce Sean into fencing again… I really miss it.  But, he’s so much better than me that it’s definitely a one-sided competition.

This is definitely a feeble attempt at procrastination.  Better get back to the grind before radiation.