I have hit a new low. Tonight I finally realised how much I still love him, despite everything we’ve been through. No, he wasn’t unnecessairly cruel; we spoke like human beings, and on why we wouldn’t have worked anyways. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a result I wanted: I hurt even more now, and feel that much more vulnerable than I did before. We understood each other, even if it was on a basic level. He knew when I was upset, without even having to look at me. I knew when he wanted to say something profound, but didn’t want to ruin whatever silly mood I was in. We just… worked. Well, we worked when we were together, as in, in the same state. It all came down to how much distance and time were between us. We promised the year I moved to Oregon that, despite everything, we would see each other every six weeks. That was the middle of the quarter, and at the beginning and end. It was all we had to work with, and all I needed. But… the weeks grew to months; I haven’t spent an extrordinary amount of time around him since christmas. And then again, we saw each other for four days during Easter break, which involved me driving through the worst snowstorm ever just to get there from Corvallis. But, right this second, I’d give anything to be driving back there. My heart has just absolutely split in two.
I imagined that, had my heart ever broke, it wouldn’t hurt. But it physically aches, like I was punched in the chest. It’s a tight, constricting feeling, and not at all comfortable in the slightest. It’s like an asthma attack, but I don’t need my inhaler. Love caused this feeling, and it makes me want to say “Sod Love.”
Yeah, I could never say that, you’re right. Andy told me that he wasn’t the one for me (and then proceeded to tell me to get drunker than hell, because then the hangover would hurt more than my scarred emotions, and I could forget about my issues for a day or two). Sara told me to screw him and go date Zeus or Joel, because they’re both very willing. Crystal told me it would all be okay. Nate gave me that puppy dog look and said he’d be there for me if I needed it. Even my friend Nick, who’s been trying to get in my pants since high school, said he’d listen if I needed to talk. This is what I think love really entails. One of my favourite facets of love is being there for someone with nothing in it for yourself. My friend Alan is like that – he’d be there for me, even though it’s nearly impossible to do so. That is truly love.
This should’ve been a happy day for me, to be honest. My parents said yes, I can go visit my friends in England for a week, and no, you don’t have to pay us back for a loooong time. All that exhuberance was blasted into oblivion, no thanks to you-know-who. Maybe I’ll be happier tomorrow after a very, very long cry. I know this posting made no sense, but for now, it’s all I’ve got.
You just know you’ve hit an all-time low when you’re curled up in the corner, sobbing and wailing for your mum.