It’s not fair.

Stupid Joe makes me cry even when he’s not speaking to me. Why can’t I just move on? Every time I feel like I’ve made progress, he goes and makes me remember why I loved him, and then I want to kick myself for remembering that at all. It’s not fair.

How can I do this? How can I live a life without you? Without
hesitation I can easily say that today has been one of the worst days
of my life. Knowing, truly knowing, that I now live in a world
without you, without your love, is sobering and more painful than I
could have imagined. Anything I was supposed to do today, I can’t.
Sleeping, waking up, working, eating, all seem so difficult. Maybe
you are thinking that I will get over this, that finding someone new,
someone here, will make things better. Perhaps that is true. Perhaps
the excitement of something new would distract me, or you, but the
reality is that what I had with you felt so perfect and right. I
don’t want to forget all the things I felt for you. I’m afraid that
we might move on and forget what we once had that felt so good and
true. I understand it all, that is why I couldn’t get mad last night.
I understand that we are so far away. I know that we are both
missing so much from our lives. But now I am missing you, and that
just feels so much worse than anything else. I don’t know what to do,
Laura. I didn’t last night either. I didn’t know whether to tell you
to go away, or try to hold you. I still don’t know what is the right
thing to do. The end result if I push you away is that we will be
alone, even if we are with someone else. And even though we may find
ourselves thinking that we could try again, could we truly? Would
that shred of hope help? It isn’t helping me right now at all. On
the other side, if I try to hold you to me and hope to make this work
we are still far apart, still distracted, and never truly happy. But
I would still have you in some small way. I still want you, Laura. I
still love you. When I told you how much I regreted not bonding our
love together somehow more, I meant
it. I don’t know what I am trying to say anymore, but I still need to
say it all. You are somehow perfect for me, you somehow understand
me, you somehow put up with all my oddities and quirks, you are so
many things to me that I never thought I would find. And now I’ve
lost you and I don’t know what to do….

I still love you, Laura.



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