Crumbling

I thought my life was shitty before, but now it just… exists. It’s like God put me on this Earth solely to test the limits of my emotions, and to see where my breaking point is. Well, I’m breaking. Are you happy? Yeah, a few of you who read this (you know who you are) are probably exuberant to hear that I’m going absolutely nuts. Don’t think I’ve lost control of all rational thought – no, that’s not the case at all. Instead, I’ve retreated into myself, closing off the world around me. No one gains entrance into the fragile world I’ve created around me. I’ve broken my arm (and now I dislocate it on average 3 times per day, and no, it doesn’t feel good, so don’t ask if it hurts), and now I’ve wrecked my car in an unavoidable accident. Hooray for me. The kicker is that I killed a deer. For those of you who know me quite well, I’m kind of psychotic about animal rights. Now, I’m not PETA psychotic, even though they receive a Christmas donation from me every year, but pretty close. I’m one of those “no turkey for thanksgiving”, “avoid any and all red meat”, “only buy free-range” closet hippies. I’m absolutely devastated. The shock from Nan passing is settling in, and the extra hurt from me injuring a poor, defenseless creature, is just way too much. I seriously need support, or a shoulder to cry on, or something.

Now, this is where things get odd. If Joe and I were still engaged, he would be of perfect use. He knows how to calm me down, knows exactly what I need and when I need it, and I just nestle into his arms so very nicely. His shoulder is absolutely lovely to cry on. Andrew, on the other hand, isn’t a soulless vacuum like I pinned him to be, but he’s fairly useless when it comes to helping me out. When I dislocated my shoulder, he rubbed my back and made all the appropriate cooing noises to calm me down, and he held me and let me cry. A+, gold star for that. But, the minute I talk to him, in bloody full blown tears, about getting in an accident, he’s fairly useless. He needs to understand that those are the times in which the boyfriend mode is needed. Those are the times where you throw your other responsibilities three sheets to the wind and help out your other half. If he had called me to say that his grandma had died, and he was upset, I’d drop everything and figure out my responsibilities later. But, he’s just… clueless. I don’t think he meant to hurt me, but he did. I’m already hurt, a lot, from what’s happened in the past few weeks, and this doesn’t help me at all. I just wish, for once, that guys came with this hardwired into their operating systems. They need to understand that a relationship isn’t about fair-weather fondling, but about being there in the good and the bad. The fondling is just icing on the cake.

I just think it’s sad that my ex has been there for me far more than Andrew has in the past few days. But hey, it’s just Tuesday. He has three more days to redeem himself. So, why post this, Kristin? Why badmouth him online, where he could probably find this post and read it? Well, you know what, Crystal has already tried to tell him that I need him, and he’s still incapable of understanding that. And, there are far too few people who read this to actually make me care whether or not he reads this. I mean, very few relatives, and like, 3 outside friends. That totals maybe 6 people, at the MOST. Of course, there’s always the nosy people who read it because they’re paranoid that their relationship is going to end, even though I’m MUCH too far away to really do them any damage. (You know who you are.) *sigh* This sure has become much more of a rant than I had previously thought when starting this entry. For those of you who read this and are in Corvallis with me, could you just do me one favour? Could you just let me be for a few days? I know Andrew won’t come around, even if I firebomb his apartment and spell it out in flaming petrol letters, 6 feet tall. I dunno, I just need time to feel sorry for myself.

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