The first step

The worst feeling in the world (for me) is the onset of disbelief of the workings of your own religion. I’ve been Catholic most of my life, even if I hadn’t had my confirmation and such until a few years ago. It was actually a pretty big deal for my parents. They drove up from California to see my confirmation, which I was doing through a local RCIA class on Tuesday nights. It took a fair number of months to prepare for that, and when it was finally done, I honestly thought “Check. That’s done.” What was wrong with me? This was supposed to be a spiritual moment between God and I, but I realized then and there that I have a whole list of intercessors to speak for me. I don’t really talk to God myself. I would talk to my Priest (Fr. John, most likely), and he would ask God for me (usually while I meditated doing the Rosary or whatever nonsense they have us do). Did you realize we pray to Mary for her blessing? She is as pure as Jesus (apparently), so it’s okay for us to pray to her.

This was nearly three years ago. Since then, I’ve been singing in our church choir and playing piano for them when they needed a backup for Evan, our normal piano player. When I sit in mass during the homily and normal prayers, I’m usually thinking about my physics homework, or actually reading my physics book. I don’t pay attention at all. I go because I enjoy singing.

I’ve begun to read about other religions, and about ones that don’t have people going every week because they have to. I know I’ve ‘accepted Jesus into my heart’ and bla bla bla, but honestly (and this is going to sound SO bad), but sure, Jesus was real guy, but God is God! He doesn’t need human progeny to carry on His word. He just needs to remind His creations of His rules (and have his angels or whomever enforce them). There is a God, of this I am sure. Jesus existed – another thing I’m sure of. I don’t believe he is a god, or was the son of God. So where does that put me? Without a religion to follow – no ideals, no ways to worship. I’m not Jewish, and I’m not really Christian either. I need to find an acceptable third option.

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