Testing, testing…

…one two three?

I’ve had lymph node biopsies, a lumbar puncture, a PET scan, a CT scan, xrays, countless blood tests, and a bone marrow biopsy.  This is like a bad dream, but I’m floating above it and can see everything.  Even though my hip hurts like a mother, I don’t feel too bad.  Really woozy and lightheaded.

So, the diagnosis came back, and it’s Stage I/II accelerated non-hodgkins lymphoma.

Sounds scary, right?  I’m not really scared.  They explained the chemo to me, and most of it will be by mouth in constant doses, unless they think the high doses every 3 weeks would be better.  I’m not getting a port put in – it’s my decision, and it doesn’t really fly with my fencing/cycling thing.  They wont do radiation unless it gets worse, but it’s not worse yet.

I’ve told a few people… this is kind of my way of telling everyone. But, I know that some people are going to read it here, and then get offended that I haven’t told them in real life yet.  I’ve not told my parents yet – I don’t know how to do it.  If you read it here, and I haven’t told you… it’s because I’m a giant pussy and I’m really afraid of what you’d say.  It’s a serious conversation to have, and I don’t like confrontation… or seriousness.

I need to figure out how to tell my parents.  I want to do this on my own… I don’t want their help, or them holding my hand, or my mum moving up here to take care of me (forget THAT).  I just want to do this on my own like an adult, and I would rather have them check up on me on the phone and not come up here.  I think the appts the last few days would’ve been worse if my mum or sister were there with me (not that I don’t love you, Ashy).  I just can’t bear to see other people’s fear/hurt/comfort on their faces.  It’s nice after the fact, but during… it’s so much easier alone.  I know that sounds retarded, but for me, its true.  It’s easier if I don’t have people with me, and don’t really talk about it.

Whew, that’s a lot of stuff off my chest.  Let me know on Facebook if I’ve not told you to your face, and we can talk about it. If not… comments would be nice. I’m just not really sure what to do at this point, or how to tell my parents.  Please tell me if you have any ideas.

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One thought on “Testing, testing…

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