All things come to an end

Your true nature comes out in times of desperation.  In this respect, like I said in an earlier post, I unconsciously turned back to what I was when I grew up, which was Catholic.  I really didn’t think twice about it until a friend pointed it out to me.  There were good things and bad things about Islam that I enjoyed.  Good things include hijab (I looooove hijab), as well as praying 5 times a day, and Ramadan.  I didn’t like the separation at the mosque – the women had a different door and we were upstairs.  I never met any of the guys there.  I mean, we’re not supposed to, but I never did.  I also didn’t like feeling like an outsider, which is what I was.  They’d call me sister and smile politely, but I was never one of them.  If they didn’t want me to know what they were talking about, they’d speak in Arabic.  That totally hurt my feelings, but I never let on to it.  I understood some of it (I mean, I have taken a few quarters of Arabic).  Not enough to really catch on to the topic of conversation – just words here and there.  I also hated how other people would stare at me in hijab.  I got dirty looks, pitying looks, etc.  I hate being pitied.  If anything, that’s the worst feeling in the world.  People just look at you with that sad, sorry face, and it just wrenches my heart.

So, I guess I’m done.  I have a friend who’s willing to talk to me about the church (again), and is very…determined… to get me to go back.  I mean, I still play piano and sing, so it’s not that hard.  I already go to mass.  Oh well, we’ll see what happens.  Religion is a touchy subject, and I hate offending people.

Not really sure what else to say.  No one but Ashley was really supportive about Islam in the first place, so my family will be friggin thrilled.  My parents had a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy in place about religion.  If I wanted to be something else, we didn’t talk about it, and they could go on pretending that I was still Catholic.  My ex-fiancé is thrilled as well.  Meh, it’s not like we’re getting married, even though the subject has come up a few times.  I don’t think I could put myself through that again (and that’s a story for another day).

On a completely other subject, I got to play Cranium tonight with my Phi Rho sisters.  Omfg I love that game.  When a bunch of us get together for game nights (which I love), all hell breaks loose.  Ash and I brought snacks, which I made her take home with her (hehehehe).  I didn’t really want chippies and such, or pop (that was a LOT of pop), so she has it.  😀  Ashy I love you!  Ooh, and there was a veggie tray, which looked tasty.  And I got these wasabi chippies from Safeway, and they’re delish.  Usually I don’t like them, but they’re friggin tasty right now… with pickles.  Mmmm.

Ok, I’m rambling, and my fingers are cold.  I’m going to go 🙂

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3 thoughts on “All things come to an end

  1. Salam. Hi, I’ve been visiting a couple of times since I first chanced upon your skype post. 🙂

    To be honest, I’ve always wished that the mosque near my house had reverts/converts so that I could really talk to one. It is like an only child wishing for a sibling or two.

    This is my twocents though. From what I have noticed in the past, when there is a non-local (in Malaysia, where I live, the mosques are usually full of Malays, who are what one would assume a born Muslim) joining the community, they do look like they are being segregated by the rest of the locals. In reality however, its not because of hostility, it is more of the communication barrier. I have had friends said to me that they’d feel shy and awkward to approach, say, a Caucasian Muslimah just because they’re so used to seeing brown Muslims. I’ve one friend even commented that the sight of a non-Malay-Muslims often leave her in awe and mesmerised. Of course, I can’t really vouch for that.

    I don’t really know the scenarios outside of Malaysia. But here, people are much more timid. Usually, it would take the other party, the one who feels like an outsider, to make the first move, and things will go along great. This is usually how it is in big cities. Its a very different situation in rural areas, where everyone is usually accepted openly and warmly. I suppose city life has that effect on people. It is kind of sad though. But I don’t think it is something just restricted to Islam either. For example, when I am out and about in the community, I do yearn for the normal greetings of hellos, good morning, or even a smile. But city folks, they’re just too engrossed in their busy city life that the slight show of friendliness is taken for psychotic attitude. Meh.

    Still, I hope you make good judgement about what it is that really pulls you towards Islam in the first place. I doubt I can say I know how you feel, since I was brought up a Muslim, but if you feel like sharing or just talking, I’m up for a correspondence.

    Take care. May your trials and perseverance in going through chemo be your strength in life, insyaAllah.

  2. I love you, whatever makes you happy I’ll support… Aside from killing people, if killing people, or small animals, makes you happy then we’ll have issues. Anyways, aside from that strange diversion, that will probably scare people that don’t know us, as well as a few that do… Lost the train of thought. I love you and here is a big ((HUG)).

  3. Salam Meh.

    I am convert (and also a foreigner leaving in England). I know what you mean and how it feels sometimes. However, I pray to Allah to keep shaitan’s whispers away from me and help me to be good muslim. People are different, muslims they are or not they all do mistakes, can be wrong , offend people, etc..
    I started wearing hijab couple of weeks ago. People at work and some friends gave those weird looks too, and sometimes I felt like running away, wanting to hide somewhere. But now i am calmer, because I know that I get my reward, inshallah. You see, our life here in this world is only ‘dunja’ (nothing), but its definetely worst trying to insure we don’t waste it, do good deeds and then one day we will be in jeana, inshaallah.

    Think of what you want and what values and don’t rush with decisions. And I hope you’ll understand that there are no bad things about Islam, but there are people who show it in a bad sight sometimes as well as chaging it. Everything is written in Quran…. it can’t be easier to check..

    may Allah help you, sister

    Nelli

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