Chemo is the same each time I go (kind of). I sign in, go to my coveted comfy chair, they stick needles in me, drip a bunch of crap into my veins while I throw up, and then send me on my way. Sometimes I sleep, but most of the time I try to read, talk to Jeremy (this guy who has the same schedule as I do), watch some telly, or listen to music. But, today was a bit different. I listened to NIN for a little while (consequently, to Sean’s favourite album, which I didn’t know until he told me this afternoon), but then I curled up in my bed and prayed the rosary.
I used to pray it in middle school when I couldn’t fall asleep. I’m not awesome at it – in fact, I’m awful. I forget where things go, or I’ll fall asleep mid-Hail Mary. I get on myself for not focusing on whatever mysteries are assigned to that day. I carry a rosary with me in my pocket when I go, or I keep one in my purse. It’s a handy thing to have. I wear a rosary bracelet on a semi-regular basis (I hadn’t lately since it broke, but I got it fixed when I went home, so it’s back on my wrist). Why do Catholics covet the rosary so much?
I really can’t answer that question. It’s different for everybody. I’m terrified of chemo, to be honest. It makes me sick, and I never know how I’m going to feel afterwards. Yesterday, I was an absolute disaster – throwing up, couldn’t really move, was too weak to even drink a glass of water on my own. Today, I could sit up, play video games (well, watch Sean play, anyways), engage in conversation, and I even left the house this afternoon to get books at the OSU bookstore on campus. But, the rosary makes me feel safe. It provides me with comfort when I have none. I hate it when people want to go with me to the hospital – I don’t like seeing their faces when I go through what I’m going through, and it’s easier on everyone if I go alone. The pitying looks are hard enough from people who just see me once in awhile, but if my closest friends really experienced what I did, I’d just die. The rosary is there for me, though. I hold it in my hands, next to my iPod, and I just go through the decades. It gives me something to focus on when I need a distraction from my rolling stomach.
So, is the Spirit there with me during chemo? Yes, I think so. I don’t feel absolutely alone. The nurses come check on me, of course, and Jeremy is there if I’m in a chair (I wasn’t today, if you didn’t pick up on that, I was in a room because I got a shot in my arse, and it hurt). But, when I am all by myself, the rosary is there, and it helps me along.
I texted Sean tonight, telling him I couldn’t sleep. He responded with the sentence, “Why don’t you pray the rosary?” I hadn’t thought of that. I usually prayed it when I was afraid – not when I just needed something to think about.
I know this post means absolutely nothing, and that’s okay with me. I’m headed to bed, where I’ll pray, and go to sleep. By the way – thanks, everyone, who said they would pray for me. I really appreciate it 🙂