I’m just so…

Tired. Mad. Why me? Why am I upset about this tonight? Once in awhile, I dare to ask the question, “Why me?” and then it’s all downhill. I spoke to a bunch of friends (new and old) at mass tonight, and they all said, “We love your new hair! It looks real!” Yeah, I got my wig. It’s kind of cute, actually. I mean, I’m not brilliantly beautiful in it, but hey, it looks like hair, and people have stopped staring. I don’t get the awkward question, “Is there a reason for your haircut, or are you being alternative?” I hate that word, alternative. Is that code for lesbian? I’m NOT ok with lesbian code, people. Cancer is hard. I never use italics, so I am now. (Or as Steve Jobs says, ‘oblique’ or whatever. Arseface. Just because you took a typography class 20 years ago doesn’t mean you can just randomly assign the term ‘italic’ a different one to confuse me. You and your ugly sans-serif fonts make my eyes burn at four am.)

Ok, back to the problem at hand. I’m effing depressed, have a fever, my head is breaking out, and what the hell, hair? Enjoying a late-night beer with my friend RobbieMy friend, Anna, who has this at the same time (well, ok, I know her dad), has lost most of her hair by now, and she got it AFTER me. I thought I’d be sporting some sort of shiny baldness by now. But noooo, I have a permanent 5 o’clock shadow. It’s growing a lot slower, in some areas not at all, some other areas where it stopped growing it started again… I’m patchy like a leopard’s spots. I’ve been sporting the stubble hair as well, as you can see in the second picture. I quite like myself with no hair sometimes, if the stubble was freaking evenWhee. But, it never is. Most of you don’t understand how awesome my hair was when I still HAD hair. Here’s kind of an old picture, but at least you can see how it used to look. I think I took that the last time I went back to England to see my family, so end of 2006/beginning of 2007.

Having hair is helping me cope. If I have something covering my head, I feel a tad more normal. Chemo makes me hurt everywhere. I’m taking steroids to shrink the tumor and the prednisone is making my face round, but I can’t eat half the time. I had an odd assortment of mac n cheese, salad, a chocolate/peanut butter cookie after mass, some cottage cheese, and half a beer, and now I’m going to vomit. I can’t, though. I just took some more meds, and I need to keep them down as long as possible.

My fever is at 100 now. I’m usually 96.3, so being up towards 100 is like a normal 98.6 person being at 102ish. I’m miserable. My ear hurts, and its giving me a headache, and I’m getting effing cranky, and no amount of Hail Marys are going to make me any better. I think I said 2 1/2 rosaries today just to take my mind off the hurt. Sean came over for a bit to play video games with me to give Stephanie some time to do homework, but they hardly took my mind off of things.

This was supposed to be an insightful post, but instead, I’m going to go be vomitatious and end this early. I just can’t handle the side effects right now. Man, I feel like shit. Cancer is the disease where no one can see it. Makes me want leprosy sometimes just so people can be like, “Leprosy? Yeah, I see your nose falling off there.” They can’t be like, “Yeah, I see that tumor against your lung. That’s bad news.” Maybe I could get a viewing pane installed so they don’t have to do PET scans. Bleh PET scans. They make you glow in the dark, I swear. The good thing about this post was that you all get to see my pretty hair 🙂 I’m so narcissistic. Not anymore. My sister wrote me a note that says, “Kristin is Beautiful” and stuck it to the bottom of my iMac so I’d see it everytime I sat down. It’s almost like a mantra when I get dressed in the mornings. “You’re pretty, you’re pretty, just keep telling yourself that, no one’s staring at your mouth sores, or your bald head, or your broken out skin, or the weird combination of weight gain/loss…” It’s hard. I hate chemo so much. I hate it, but I’m supposed to love it. I can’t love it. It just sucks so bad each time. They want to do LP chemo, which I’m NOT okay with. I think we’ll have to talk about that long and hard. I don’t want shit injected into my spinal cord. Why would they need to do that?

Hmph. I’m going to go toss my cookies, then cry a bit, then try to sleep. Oh, did I mention how chemo keeps you awake sometimes so you’re so tired you want to sleep, but you can’t? Yeah, lovely.

Anyone know how to get rid of a fever without the use of Tylenol?

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2 thoughts on “I’m just so…

  1. Hey Kristin, found your blog today. Am going to be reading archives when I have time this week. I hope you will start feeling a little better – hey, small reprieves are better than none, right? I’ll visit again soon. Loved your description of Mass a few posts ago.

    Jeanine

  2. Well I don’t know what to say, if there was anything I could say, to make you feel any better. You’re still in my thoughts though. And you are still beautiful 🙂 xx

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