So, I’m taking Neupogen, like most cancer patients, to stimulate my neutrophil counts following several rounds of Chemotherapy. One of the side-effects is sore hips, and it’s supposed to be mild to moderate pain – pain you can stave off with Aleve or Tylenol. But, it’s been so bad that I’ve had to take Percocet for the last three days. My doctor says that some people are more sensitive to it than others, and told me to look for certain side-effects, but it’s just been pain. Lots and lots of pain. I can’t take anything else, and I have to be soooooo careful with the Percocet and whatever alcohol I chase it with (that’s the only thing that’s worked yet) because I’m bleeding from the insides. I hate admitting to anything, especially foreign emotions, but:
This is the first time I’ve been truly worried about how I feel and how I am. If I didn’t have Sean, I dont know what I would do. Last night, I was in pain in waves, like I was having baby contractions, but from inside my hips. It really feels like your bones are breaking from the inside out. My stomach contracted, my back arched, and I wanted to just howl and cry and scream… but Sean was there, holding my hand as tight as he could, and rubbing the back of it with his thumb. He distracted me with idle chit-chat, talking about fencing, which he is so passionate about. I know that if I did it alone, I would’ve sobbed and cried out, holding onto whatever I could to make it stop, but I would’ve been in pain, alone.
Tonight, I am alone. It’s about 3:30 in the morning, and I’m afraid to go to bed because when I lay down that way, it causes so much pressure that it really starts to hurt. I’ve been sitting up all night, telling myself it won’t hurt that much, that it’ll be okay, but I’m a terrible liar. A terrible, awful liar, especially to myself. It hurts so, so much, and all I want right now is something I’ve shunned since I started chemo: I need someone to hold my hand, rub my back, and tell me it’s going to be okay. I don’t want to be alone.