Have you ever prayed for something, hard, and then when the outcome happened, it wasn’t what you were expecting (or hoping for)? It’s no secret that I have lots of time on my hands, and when I (honestly) have nothing to do, I’ll say a rosary or two or six. I think it started out as idle praying out of concern for a friend and a really messed up situation (it was messed up in my mind at least, but what do I know?). It became rather fervent and desperate as of last night. I felt… panicked. You know, the choked-up panicked feeling you get when something is completely out of your hands, and you’re overly paranoid? Right. So, long story cut very, very short: we came to a conclusion tonight that I didn’t see coming at all. Well no, I did in the long run, but not this soon. Needless to say I was blindsided.
Here’s my little note to God, if you will. And seriously, don’t lecture me on my notes to God – it’s not your business.
God, um, why right now? I know you disapproved, but seriously, couldn’t you just ween it off or something? I know, my fault, asking for something that I didn’t see coming. I shouldn’t have said, “Please help him make the right decision,” because, ultimately, he did. Now I feel like a jerk, and I’m not blaming you, but why right now when I’m so unsure of everything, and then you drop this in my lap? Argh, not fair.
Glad that’s off my chest, even though I’m not. I’ve not felt this guilty or this sad in such a long time. This just came on a day where I found out that I have mono (again – they think at least), and I still have my painful hip problem that just leaves me emotionally drained. I can’t do this on my own, goddammit. I don’t feel comfortable calling anyone at the moment, even Sean. It’s one of those things where you want to lock yourself in your closet and not let anyone in; where the dark envelops you in a suffocating blanket of warmth and protectiveness. It’s bad timing – it’s always bad timing. Worst timing.
If my closet wasn’t full of shoes and my guitar, I’d go sit in it right now. But, since I don’t have that option, my bed is as good as any.