Happy Hallo-green? What the hell now?

I was busy perusing Fark.com (my one stop shop for news that is sure to make me giggle a few times a day), and listed under the links for October 14th was a link from MSNBC (my favourite tv news source… mainly because they’re all so ridiculous, I’m bound to hear something outrageous).  The author wrote us a friendly how-to article to make this Halloween “Hallo-green”!  *barf*  You know my thoughts on the golden calf of the green movement, but this almost goes too far.  She proclaims she has homemade costumes and organic treats for this halloween, more than likely to make us feel warm and fuzzy about “saving the environment”.

You know what, folks?  The first day of my junior year in Engineering, our teacher stood in the front of the class and said, “You are the future of America.  The world is fucked, and there is no way to save it.  But, you have to figure out a way to do so.”  Really made me feel secure in my abilites to do physics.  I have no idea how we’re going to save the planet, and I’m sure someone in my generation will come up with a clever invention to put CO2 back into the ground (or just disband it alltogether), or even fix the ozone layer, but until then, having a green halloween isn’t going to help us.

Halloween is about dressing up as whatever you want to be, and soliciting free candy from neighbours.  What other holiday is there to solicit free stuff from total strangers?  None, as far as I can tell. (Unless you still partake in caroling, and someone happens to have some wassail sitting around, just waiting for you to come by).  The author cites wearing a plastic red devil costume every year with plastic pants as a reason to go green.  Well, she didn’t have to buy such a shitty outfit, now did she?  If she’s so worried about saving the environment, why doesn’t she re-wear it once or twice?  I know as a child I didn’t grow enough to warrant a new costume every year.  In fact, I stopped trick or treating in junior high.  In High School, girls just wear animal ears and the sluttiest lingerie they can find.  Problem solved.

She wants to give out Organic Dark Chocolate squares with bugs on them or something.  Oh, and procedes from the chocolate go help the environment.  Well, kids don’t want tiny organic chocolate squares – they want the biggest bar of candy you can give them.  So, save your money and buy the cheap, large bag of mixed candy you buy every year, and then donate the rest to the WWF.  For christ’s sake, don’t spend a buttload of money on fancy chocolate that’ll ultimately end up not being eaten because it’s probably carob in disguise.  She also suggests maybe giving out your own handmade organic ginger pumpkin cookies, or handmade brownies.  Mum told me NEVER to accept handmade treats, regardless of who they were from.  They could have razorblades or meth in them.  So, sorry lady, you must not have children, because you sure as hell wouldn’t let them keep something handmade, regardless if the baker claimed they were organic or not.

Her costume idea? Borrow from your neighbours, and go rooting through your closet.  Yeah, isn’t that what we already do?  Wow, i’m astounded.  My suggestion: buy a well-made costume that you’re sure to use next year as well.  I can’t sew worth crap, so I’m not making my own elaborate Elizabethan nobility gown (even though I do have one, and it was made for me, but that’s besides the point), but you can find something really nice online for not so much money.  If your kid doesn’t want to be Barney two years in a row – tough.  You’re his mum, so put your effing foot down.  If he complains, tell him he can’t trick or treat.  It’s Barney or nothing.

So, you don’t have to be “green” to have a fun Halloween.  The green movement is really starting to piss me off with these waste of time articles.  Even better?  Don’t pay these people to write.  Save the money you get when you fire them and buy carbon credits.  Even better than the green movement, and way more radical?  Go discover a real faith, and try following that in the 21st century.

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