Bliss, finally.

Finals are ‘finally’ over. It seems dumb that I was so stressed out about everything, considering I only had 2 1/2 classes this quarter. Paleontology and Hydrogeology are difficult topics (well, they involve labs, which are difficult… and amount to busy work). I’m still not done with some work for my Hydro class, even though I took the final today. It’s just been a very long quarter. I got a B+ in my Paleontology class! I didn’t expect that at all (considering I got a D on my midterm – ouch).

I’ve gained most of my weight back from before I was on Chemo. It took about 9 months in total, and believe me, I’m pretty pissed about it. My doctor seems nonplussed, except for the fact that I was overweight before chemo, but he said, “You were bound to gain it back. Just lose it again.” Pfft, easy for him to say. The more I gain, the more depressed I get about it, and hence the vicious cycle. I’m really jealous of my roommate: he can eat pretty much anything and he doesn’t really gain much. If I eat what he does, I’ll gain 10 lbs in a week. It’s not awesome.  For better or for worse I may have to start chemo again anyways, so I could possibly lose it all… again.  I’m pretty sick and tired of being sick.  I’ve been trying to take it easy, since I get a bee in my bonnet to go out and tackle the world (like, ride my bike or something), and I end up hurting myself, or forgetting that I have no stamina. I tried jogging with a friend a few weeks ago, and I could barely make it 3 blocks before choking on my own lungs.

On Saturday, I’m going down to the Carmelite Monastary in Eugene for an OCDS meeting. I’m SO excited!  OCDS isn’t for people with OCD (even though I think most of us have a touch of neuroticism here and there), but stands for: Secular Order of Discalced Carmelites (in English… the real name is in spanish, I believe). I’m discerning to join the Third Order Secular, and Saturday is the beginning of my Aspirancy. This period will last six months to a full year, and from there, I become a Postulant. This period of “First Promise” lasts about two years, which involves learning all the history of the Carmelites, becoming more engrossed in my studies, etc.  The Promise is a commitment “to tend towards evangelical perfection in the spirit of the evangelical counsels of chastity, poverty, obedience and of the Beatitudes, according to the Rule of the Secular Order of Discalced Carmelites, for three years.” After three years, an individual may request permission to make the Final Promise (substituting “for all my life” in place of “for three years”). The period of formation after the First Promise lasts three years before the Final Promise.  So, I’m starting a journey which could very well last, at minimum, six years. I wouldn’t make my Final Promise until I’m 31. Wow.

This is a pretty big friggin decision in my life. OCDS is pretty hardcore – daily mass, liturgy of the hours, mission, devotion to Mary, wearing of the Scapular (which I already do, all the time), monthly meetings, and of course, at least 30 minutes of daily prayer/meditation. Whew. That’s why they have the year of Aspirancy, to make sure we know what we’re getting ourselves into. Once I make my vow, it’s a sin to break, and that’s pretty serious.

So, that’s what I’ve been up to. My own classes and teaching consumed my life for awhile, and when I wasn’t doing either at OSU, I was sleeping at home. I’m still so very, very tired. Today, I went to sleep around 5, and woke up at 7ish. It was a nice nap. And now I’m going to try to sleep, again. Nite nite.


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