Scholarly Frustrations

Cancer is a real party-killer. Here I am, in the prime of my life, trying to enjoy myself at college and *graduate* in the next twenty years. But, despite what I try to do and accomplish, chemo and/or side-effects ruin my day. I have a midterm on Thursday, and I was too sick to go to class last week (thanks a bunch, chemo). We didn’t have class on Tuesday because our professors were at a conference in Portland, and then we’re expected to show up on Thursday morning, ready for a midterm!? Are you f-ing kidding me? If it were mapping or hydrology, I’d be fine. But it’s that stupid mineralogy class that is going to end up killing me in the end.

I really can’t afford to get shitty grades. Because I was so sick before they discovered it was cancer (DAMMIT I hate cancer so much), I missed week after week of school for one reason or another. I think my GPA dropped well below a 3.0, and now I’m doing all I can to stay afloat. Of course, it doesn’t help that I’m a physicist and incredibly lazy. Those two things do not go hand-in-hand.

I try to register for classes and keep on top of it, like what I was going to do with this quarter, but I just can’t. I was so upset tonight that it kept me from really sleeping that much. I’m having to teach four classes this week because one of the other TAs is gone (looking at a grad school for his PhD, since OSU isn’t good enough for that apparently), so I had to pick up the slack. I found out that I have to proctor an exam tomorrow night too, so there goes four hours of studying.

I’m not going to make it. I really don’t know what to do, and in order to keep my head above water and get me going to classes again, I stopped my low-dose chemo on my own. (PLEASE don’t yell at me, I’ve already been yelled at, thanks. I know what a retard I am, I get it.) But, at least I can function for the time being. It really isn’t doing much good for me, but dammit if I’m going to take another whole year off. Fuck that noise.

There really is nothing good to report. I finally got to sleep around 4:15 this morning, and then a thunderstorm woke me up not more than 20 minutes later. So, I’ve been up ever since. This is just NOT my day. I’m tempted to email my professor in mineralogy and tell him I just can’t take the exam on Thursday because I’m so behind. But then I’ll even be more behind. What’s a girl to do?!

I know other young adults with cancer and trying to go to school at the same time have had my problems. But I really don’t know what to do at this point! Should I just take an incomplete, and then wing it for the rest of the quarter? I’ll be damned if I’m held back for another year.

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