I couldn’t sleep tonight (it’s all those damn hot flashes… Goes with the territory of having your womanhood destroyed by chemotherapy, I suppose). So, I’ve begun to think of what my recent remission means to me.
1) I’m still on drugs, to a point. Just because I’m in remission doesn’t mean I can just forget the fact that I’ve had cancer three times now. I have maintenance chemo, as well as drugs to take at home.
2) I wonder how long it’ll take me to regain my strength. I’m dying to go back to school full time, to go hiking and camping again, and to ride my bike! The littlest thing makes me tired right now. Maybe I should stick to yoga for a bit.
3) Will people understand that being in remission doesn’t mean i’m instantly well? That it could take me over a year to fully recover? (I wasn’t recovered when I got cancer this last time.)
Lots of things to think about. Also, I’m not thinking as quickly as I was before. And I get tired easily. And I still feel absolutely awful sometimes. What does that mean? My onc dangled the carrot of remission in front of my face for so long that I think I forced my body into it. My labs were looking better before, but there wasn’t the massive increase like there was this time. What if it doesn’t last? I don’t think I could handle all of this a fourth time.
I already feel like I’ve missed out on a lot of life’s opportunities. My friends are all graduating this year. I’ll still be at OSU, and I’ll probably get my PhD before my bachelors (at the rate i’m going). Also, I’ve missed almost 2 years of sorority functions. And now I’m Alumnae. Just like that. Poof – gone. That makes me sad. I wanted alumnae status in a way because I’m too old to be in a sorority, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love it.
Stupid cancer ruined my college experience. F u, cancer. Life could be much worse, but I’m glad it isn’t.