I’ve had two rounds of chemo now, since I had my relapse a month and a half ago (I’m on two days on, then 15-18 days off – it’s a weird schedule, actually… a bit different than the first time). I feel like shit, I’m nervously waiting for my hair to abandon my head, and I’m still trying to be a full time student and teacher at the same time. It’s really, really hard. Just this week, when I was in the chemo dungeon at the hospital (I call it the chemo dungeon, even if it is a nice room, because it feels like torture), I tried to get some homework done. One of the nurses came by to see how I was doing, and she commented on what class it was for.
“It’s Mineralogy, a class where I have to learn over 100 minerals by sight and chemical name, much like o-chem.”
“Oh, Honey, you won’t get through that class this year. You have cancer to worry about.”
“Fucking watch me, then!”
Yeah, I did say the f-word. Usually I’m so nice to the nurses, especially since they’re super awesome. But, I’ve had mood swings, I’m still stuck in a weird limbo between being a functioning woman and menopausal at 25, and HORRIBLE hot flashes where I want to throw myself into the freezers at Safeway. I hate it when people tell me I can’t do something. It really, really pisses me off. Just the other night, I had a nightmare where people wouldn’t believe me when I said aliens were slowly taking over the world and brainwashing people (yeah, I have weird nightmares, okay?). And, believe me when I say it wasn’t the aliens that frightened me, oh no. It was the fact that people thought I was stupid. I’ve always had that fear, especially since I know I’m a weird person, and I say weird things (constantly). But… I’m smart, okay? Geeze. I’m a friggin card-carrying member of Mensa! I solve logic puzzles for fun! I mean, wtf is wrong with me? *shrugs* Ok, I got a bit off-topic.
I hate me my cancer. That’s what I was getting at. It makes me feel weak and separated from my friends. I don’t even see my sister all that often, or even hear from her, because we’ve both been sick lately. We’ve just not been able to connect. (She had her gallbladder removed a few weeks back, and even if the doctors insist on that being a week recovery, it’s not. They’re liars.) Couple that with our busy schedules… it’s amazing that I see her even once a month, even though we live in the same, small town.
The only people I see on a regular basis are my students, a few acquaintances in my classes, and my roommate. He takes care of me – my Caregiver, even though he hates the term – and insists “just anyone” would do what he does…even if we both know that’s not true.
Bleh, I feel gross. It’s a quarter after three in the morning, and I’ve yet to sleep tonight, even though I’m physically and mentally exhausted. My chemo keeps me awake, but I’m not allowed to take sleeping pills (something about thinning my blood… I dunno, I have a tendency to ignore my onc because I think he’s a dumbass and I frankly just don’t care). At least I don’t have crap to do on fridays, save for a geology lab from 4-5 pm, and my office hours from 5-6 (very poorly chosen, but hey, what can I do? I got the short straw.)
I DO want to say that I appreciate the Twisters on Twitter. They’re my little online family. I’ve never met any of them, but I can tell them anything, and they support me 120%. We’re all cancer survivors, and in 140 characters, spread love, hope, and wellness to each other. My town is too small to have a cancer support group for people my age, but with Twitter, I have access to hundreds of ‘survivors’, and it is better than any support group I can think of. So, *muah* to the Twisterhood! I love you all!
And with that, I’m either going to go to sleep, or play Scribblenauts on my DSi. Nighty night!