It’s been awhile.

I keep forgetting to post here. I have a .mac account, so I have a blog there, but this is still my “main” one I suppose. I should set up an RSS feed or something. Well, Jason and I are still dating. He’s still sweet, and still hasn’t defended his thesis yet. We’re working on that (he has 8 weeks until the end of school, and he ABSOLUTELY has to defend by then). Other than that, not much is going on. My arm is unbroken, I joined Weight Watchers, and Becca moved in and is moving out in June (to never move in again). She NEEDS to disappear. She drives me insane. When I have the house to myself again, life will be good. Thank goodnes. My parents have asked why J and I aren’t living together yet, and I said “Well ner, we’ve not even dated a YEAR yet.” His grandma asked him too. Hehe, strange.

Well, I have a final on Monday (yikes), so I have to study.

The link for my website is: http://web.mac.com/irishswtpea

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Hooray

I just realised that I only post when crappy things are happening (at least, I think that’s true). I completely got over Andrew (which was easier than I had first imagined), and started hanging out with Jason more. He’s that guy from the wave lab i mooned over all summer long. He’s almost 28, is a civil engineer, and is getting his masters in Oceanography and Marine Geology. He’s sweet, kind, patient, fun, loves to go rock climbing and hiking, has a golden retriever named Mackenzie (who’s insane), and he’s an excellent cook and baker. For instance: yesterday, he made omelettes and bread at my house while I was coming home from San Francisco. I can’t believe it – from scratch even! He’s so sweet. Who would’ve thought.

Much Better!

I think it just took a lot of hugs and distraction from my friends, but I’m nearly over Andrew. It’s stupid to cling to something that you have no control over, especially something that doesn’t want you (or need you). It still bugs me a bit that he blocked me on AIM, but whatever. I’ll see him next week at my party (maybe), and Nas heavily suggested I go drop off his book on Monday night so I can see Andrew. But… I don’t really want to see him, since he’ll be with Mollie, and there’s bad blood there. He’s irked at me, and I respect that. I’m very irksome.

But… there’s a new guy who likes me. His name is Jason, and he works with me at the Wave Lab. He’s a Masters student in Oceanography, and he’ll be 28 in a few months. You might think that he’s too old for me, but I like to think not. At least he’s mature, and a lot of fun to be around. We’ve gone out a few times for drinks or whatever. I’m not rushing things at all – and I don’t even know if he likes me “like that”. We’ll see. All I can say is that he’s making things a lot better 🙂

5 Stages

I think I’m going through this. It’s nice to know where I’m headed.

 

 

1-Denial-“this can’t be happening to me”, looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.

2-Anger-“why me?”, feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.

3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.

4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.

5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn’t leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.

 

…And worser still.

What does the number four mean to you? Four apples? Four days?

That’s how long its been since we broke up, and already, he’s messing about with Mollie. Super. Makes me feel really good about myself. I didn’t hate him before – in fact, I respected him for telling me that he didn’t like me like that. Fine, super, whatever. I just lost whatever respect I had for him. How could men be so shallow?! Now I’m back to square one.

Yes, life can get worse.

Those of you will be happy to note that Andrew broke up with me tonight. And to think he got brownie points last night for not letting me suffer through a dead deer, broken arm… hey, I’ve had a crappy week, alright? He likes me, but he doesn’t want to date me. He said “I can’t figure it out, and it’s been bothering me for a few weeks now.” Well, I wish he told me a few weeks ago before I became emotionally tied to this relationship. I really, really like him, and he doesn’t like me at all. He likes this girl named Molly, and told me tonight that he found out that she and her boyfriend broke up last week. So, he’ll go after that. Where does that leave me? Soulless. Empty. Angry. Upset. Devistated. Hurt. Abandoned. Recycled. The list goes on. I thought I wanted to crawl into a hole before, but now… now I want someone to bury me in it.

Crumbling

I thought my life was shitty before, but now it just… exists. It’s like God put me on this Earth solely to test the limits of my emotions, and to see where my breaking point is. Well, I’m breaking. Are you happy? Yeah, a few of you who read this (you know who you are) are probably exuberant to hear that I’m going absolutely nuts. Don’t think I’ve lost control of all rational thought – no, that’s not the case at all. Instead, I’ve retreated into myself, closing off the world around me. No one gains entrance into the fragile world I’ve created around me. I’ve broken my arm (and now I dislocate it on average 3 times per day, and no, it doesn’t feel good, so don’t ask if it hurts), and now I’ve wrecked my car in an unavoidable accident. Hooray for me. The kicker is that I killed a deer. For those of you who know me quite well, I’m kind of psychotic about animal rights. Now, I’m not PETA psychotic, even though they receive a Christmas donation from me every year, but pretty close. I’m one of those “no turkey for thanksgiving”, “avoid any and all red meat”, “only buy free-range” closet hippies. I’m absolutely devastated. The shock from Nan passing is settling in, and the extra hurt from me injuring a poor, defenseless creature, is just way too much. I seriously need support, or a shoulder to cry on, or something.

Now, this is where things get odd. If Joe and I were still engaged, he would be of perfect use. He knows how to calm me down, knows exactly what I need and when I need it, and I just nestle into his arms so very nicely. His shoulder is absolutely lovely to cry on. Andrew, on the other hand, isn’t a soulless vacuum like I pinned him to be, but he’s fairly useless when it comes to helping me out. When I dislocated my shoulder, he rubbed my back and made all the appropriate cooing noises to calm me down, and he held me and let me cry. A+, gold star for that. But, the minute I talk to him, in bloody full blown tears, about getting in an accident, he’s fairly useless. He needs to understand that those are the times in which the boyfriend mode is needed. Those are the times where you throw your other responsibilities three sheets to the wind and help out your other half. If he had called me to say that his grandma had died, and he was upset, I’d drop everything and figure out my responsibilities later. But, he’s just… clueless. I don’t think he meant to hurt me, but he did. I’m already hurt, a lot, from what’s happened in the past few weeks, and this doesn’t help me at all. I just wish, for once, that guys came with this hardwired into their operating systems. They need to understand that a relationship isn’t about fair-weather fondling, but about being there in the good and the bad. The fondling is just icing on the cake.

I just think it’s sad that my ex has been there for me far more than Andrew has in the past few days. But hey, it’s just Tuesday. He has three more days to redeem himself. So, why post this, Kristin? Why badmouth him online, where he could probably find this post and read it? Well, you know what, Crystal has already tried to tell him that I need him, and he’s still incapable of understanding that. And, there are far too few people who read this to actually make me care whether or not he reads this. I mean, very few relatives, and like, 3 outside friends. That totals maybe 6 people, at the MOST. Of course, there’s always the nosy people who read it because they’re paranoid that their relationship is going to end, even though I’m MUCH too far away to really do them any damage. (You know who you are.) *sigh* This sure has become much more of a rant than I had previously thought when starting this entry. For those of you who read this and are in Corvallis with me, could you just do me one favour? Could you just let me be for a few days? I know Andrew won’t come around, even if I firebomb his apartment and spell it out in flaming petrol letters, 6 feet tall. I dunno, I just need time to feel sorry for myself.