*sobs*

I feel so stupid writing right now. I’m in tears over not finishing my physics homework. I don’t know how to do it (at all!), and I feel like a moron admitting that. I’m smart – I shouldn’t have to ask for help!! But I do, and it just rips me apart. This, plus my parents being retarded (which I don’t want to talk about), and Matt’s house burning down, and problems with other people (which of whom I don’t even know!!!), I’m going insane. Becca’s moving out on friday, and I should be thrilled (I am, I think). But, then I’ll have me as my own company. That’s rotten luck, isn’t it? And I can’t even keep J happy (even though he has his thesis to thank for that). I got so used to having him around that, now that he’s not, it’s disheartening. I just need a good cry – maybe that’ll clear things up 😛

First Weigh-In & Stress

So, this morning was my first weigh-in. I was excited, actually. I left Jason’s around 8:20 and hitailed it across town so I would make it to class with only being 8 minutes late (I’m always late to Classical Mechanics). So, from 181 last week or so, I’m down to 175.8 lbs (on my digital scale, so you know it’s not lying). Hooray for me!

On an opposite note, I went over my points today. We had a final in thermo, and I studied straight from 10 am until 12:30, then from 2-6:30 (when we stopped and started the test itself). It was a joke. I’m not even going to talk about that trash. But the point is I got nervous and began nibbling again. A handful of trail mix here, a 6″ veggie sub there (but it wasnt that bad), and I did drink a lot of crystal light instead of pop. It could’ve been worse, but I had 1/2 a bag of M&Ms that I split with Colin during the exam, and that’s 3 pts. It was just a few points over, but at least I didn’t go to McDonalds afterwards like I wanted to. I just wanted to bury myself in a Big Mac or a double cheese burger, with huge fries. I didn’t, though. I’m proud of myself. After the M&Ms I felt slightly disgusted with myself, but it’s okay. I’ll just be better tomorrow.

Sleep tight.

Day 2

So, this was the 2nd full day of the diet so far. I’ve tried SO hard, but Jason made me a surprise last night… he came over with super sweet muffins and made me bread pudding. Granted, it was really good, but I think it cost me 10 points or something. I kept my portion small (only a cup), and I ate it slow so it would last longer. I also went cycling both yesterday and today, on two new routes. Yesterday, down 53rd, through Bald Hill park, down to 35th, past the lab (and said hi to Kenz), then around by home, then back home. Today, I rode through Philomath and back up Hwy 20. That was scary with all the cars around me, and that huge hill where Corvallis starts and Philomath ends. You know, I was grinning like a nutter when I got to the top of that hill. I suck at hills!! But, I made it up, and then I rode down the bike path to Country Club, and rode up that second hill. It was a bit steeper, but hey, getting up there was awesome. So, I feel great today. Tired, but great. I’m going to try a new recipe for dinner tonight I found off the WW site: Stuffed potato skins with spinach and turkey bacon. Mmm 🙂

I’ll tell you how I’m doing after the weekend’s over, and if the diet it still working. First weigh in on Monday!! 😀

 

Oh, and Ash, thanks for joining me on this. You’re the best sister ever!! xx

5 Stages

I think I’m going through this. It’s nice to know where I’m headed.

 

 

1-Denial-“this can’t be happening to me”, looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.

2-Anger-“why me?”, feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.

3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.

4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.

5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn’t leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.

 

Attn:

This is a notice for everyone who said they’d meet up with me today, and didn’t:

I don’t have all the time in the world, and if I took time out of my schedule, you could do the same. It’s so irritating when I go and wait for your asses, and you don’t come. So just don’t do it.

Thank you.

This is SO unfair.

You know, I am a very giving person. I give people many more chances than they ever deserve, because I have a personality fault that causes me to give people the benefit of the doubt. I don’t enjoy sitting in the library and finding out that my ex-fiance not only had his way with a girl from work, but ALSO with his ex while he was at home during his sister’s graduation. He screwed her while his family was home!!! This happened last JUNE!

The only thing I expect is a little honesty. I almost expected him to cheat on me with people from work, but with his ex girlfriend IN his parents house while they were sleeping?! His brother saw them molesting each other in the kitchen around 2 am, and then heard them having sex later that evening. I just feel so hurt. We were still fine then, honestly. We were having issues, but we weren’t broken up yet. There’s no excuse for behaviour like that! I just want to crawl into a corner and cry 😦